I am angry.

I have fear and anger in me. I am angry about things in my past. I’m angry that we didn’t plan. I’m angry that we weren’t cool. I’m angry that when growing up I missed out on so many experiences. I’m angry that I got screwed in business. I’m angry that I made some bad decisions. I’m angry that my partner made some bad decisions. I’m angry that I got sued and lost. I’m angry that we made some stupid choices. I’m angry that I was not tough enough. I’m angry that I was afraid. I’m angry that my mom left me like she did. I’m angry about my relationship with my father and how he left me too. I’m angry that my brother turned out the way he did; how much energy he consumed from all of us. I’m angry that I’m angry. I’m angry that I don’t have it figured out yet. I’m angry that I broke my arm and it still hurts. I’m angry that I never seem to be able to get in great shape. Lots of anger and little release.

I want to find a release for this anger. I don’t want it. I want to punch it away. I want to yell and scream and punch and kick it the hell away. I would like living an anger-less life. I don’t want this anger.

But I have some. I have a lot.

I have things, like it or not, that make or made me angry. And I’ve not released that anger. It is still churning, still eating away at me. Making me react to events and people in an angry way. I get pissed when I don’t need to.

I know now where I am today is a great place. What I’ve done is exactly what I should have done. I have no regrets and I love who and what I’ve become and what I’ve experienced and accomplished.

Learning about my anger just came up the other day. I was complaining to my wife and she said that I sounded angry. I of course, responded in an defensive tone “I AM NOT ANGRY”!!!

After some going back and forth with her it dawned on me, yes, I do have anger. I’m a peaceful, non-confrontational guy. I don’t like to get others upset, but all I’ve accomplished by not letting out my anger as its developed is direct the anger towards me. Not helpful.

In the past few days since this revelation, I’ve done some yelling and pillow punching. Mostly to vent my pent up anger towards specific people and situations in the past. I’ve also found that when I have an event that upsets me, instead of just sucking it up, I’ll share my anger. I’ll share it in proportion to the degree of my feelings for that event. So I’m learning to let it go as I feel it.

As I learn to express the anger, I’ll have less of a need to because I won’t see the world as angrily as I do today.

I’ve identified anger as a valid part of my life and I’m working to address it, knowing I have a choice. I can choose how to react, before, during and after each event and that reacting with anger is okay.