Stunning revelation this morning. Went for my walk and when I returned I was moving laundry to the dryer and became frustrated that I couldn’t smoothly get it into the dryer. I kept banging my hand on the dryer door and the clothes dropped to the floor. A white load no less!!
Inside myself I could feel a heat and power rise from deep inside me that was very familiar. I have used it over the years to motivate me in my cycling and handling difficult, frustrating situations, but that internal anger? often lead to more frustrations in the long haul.
Maybe this is why I ended up with cancer? Too slow myself down and not get overwhelmed, overheated and overwrought with frustration. To let myself understand all will get done, but maybe not in my expected time frame. After all, I don’t have to be anywhere this morning. I don’t have a deadline (those all went away with my diagnosis), so why do I need to recreate one? Especially for something as silly as getting the laundry done?
I have recognized over the years that I sometimes create challenges to challenge myself. Often they are quite difficult, but it has served two purposes. They have kept me from getting bored and to accomplish or achieve something. It may be as simple as moving clothes smoothly between the washer and dryer or as complex as building a tech company. The challenge, although quite different from the outside, is very much the same on the inside for me.
Get cancer for something as simple or silly as this? Beth, Beth, Beth! But maybe there is some ugly truth to this? Maybe I am finally learning, yes, at this late age, I’ve not come to terms with something inside me. Is it anger combined with the physical strength I’ve had (and been quite proud of) or is it something I haven’t acknowledged deep inside me that’s fighting to be understood?
