This blog has been coming for some time. I half expected it when I started this journey in January, but now it is time to write about it.
I sit here happy and healthy, but confused because I’m not sure where I am to go from here. What direction do I take in my life? The life that changed dramatically in January and just as quickly swerved back to an eerie normalcy.
I’m in the same writing chair with the same sun shining on the patio, the same patio I happily ride my bike trainer. But today, I feel quiet and have a touch of fear? Trepidation maybe? I have lots to look forward to, lots to be thankful for, but there is something that just doesn’t feel quite right.
I remember having a very similar sense when I could return to my grad school classes after missing several days due to symptoms of the MS. Today it is similar, maybe not quite as pronounced but it is still there. Is it apprehension?
Before I wrote it off as part of the unknown you face as a young adult finding your way in the world. This time I don’t have the same youth argument, in fact, a case could be made that I’m very experienced in the face of the unknown.
A bunch of questions sit unanswered. I’ve pushed them back earlier in this journey, but now they sit at the front of my mind. What if? Why me? How come? Why not? What am I supposed to learn from this cancer experience? What do I take away from it?
It seems the time has finally come for me to think about some of these questions. I don’t have any sense for what the answers will be or even potential answers, but have to trust I will be open to new insights.
Given what life experience I do have today, fear should not be part of this learning. Instead I want to replace the fear or trepidation with the excitement that comes from anticipating a wonderful new understanding. The kind of understanding that can only be generated from a potentially life threatening experience.
